Moments, Re-Caps, and Unsolicited words of slight wisdom

MOMENTS

Molly:

“Mom, what is a Patti-Cake?” This was a very good question and one I had never considered before. After a moment’s thought, I said I don’t know what a Patti-Cake is, but I will find out. Later that day, after talking with Dan I felt like a complete idiot. He gently and lovingly said it was really, “Pat-a-cake.” Oops. Thank goodness I have a 6 year old to teach me things I should have already known.

 

I had a big meeting one day. I had been preparing for it for a couple months and the day was finally here. Molly knew it was a big deal because it was a meeting about helping the kids who have no family. That day, when I picked Molly up from school, she gets in the car, and says, "Hi Mom, how was your meeting?" After an entire day of school filled with play, learning, friends, her own experiences, the first thing she thinks to say to me is how was MY meeting?

One rushed morning, when I was trying to get my kids out the door, Ashley was throwing a fit. Fits in the morning from Ashley are normal on school days because of the rushing nature. I don’t remember what this fit was about, but I do remember I had used up all my discipline cards that I could think of and was feeling defeated. As Ashley was standing in time out, crying uncontrollably, I was in the bathroom, trying to get myself ready so we could head out the door. As expected, Molly came into my bathroom and just stared at me, worried about Ashley and somewhat upset about the situation. This girl has a lot of empathy. When there are those around her that are upset, she becomes upset. I looked at her, and said, “Do you have any ideas of what I could do?” Molly said, “Maybe you could just go give her a hug and tell her you love her.” I looked at her for a second, my heart melted into a million pieces and my brain said, “That is exactly what I should do.” I went over to Ashley, told her I loved her and gave her a hug. That’s all that was needed for both of us. Sometimes I forget kids sometimes just need unconditional love and affection. I am a stickler for discipline and a huge believer in teaching lessons, natural consequences and being consistent, but sometimes I think it’s a good idea to break all those well-intentioned ideals and just hug your babies tight and remind them and yourself how much you love them.

While tucking Molly in one night, I was sitting on the edge of her bed. She got up to give me one last hug and said, “I am lucky to have you for a mom.” I seriously have this kid duped. I don’t know why she thinks I am so great, but I will take it and ride it out for as long as I can!

One day Ashley would not fall asleep for her nap, which is unlike her. She’s usually more than willing to go upstairs and zonk out after a book and song. So after I read her a book, sang her a song and went back downstairs, Ashley called for me. Molly said right away, “Don’t worry. I can go.” (This is without me even asking her.) Through the monitor, I listened intently, waiting for my queue, such as Ashley yelling that she wants Mom, not Molly. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised. Ashley said she couldn’t sleep and wanted someone to sleep with her. (Again- Out of the ordinary for her.) Molly said in the most kind and nurturing voice, “I will lay by you for a little bit, then I have to go back downstairs.” Afterwards, Ashley asked for a story. Molly obliged her and read her a book, called “Daddy Loves Me.” Seriously, this kid is unreal. Molly came back downstairs and said Ashley was asleep.

Ashley:

I am still learning to listen and understand kids and this is a perfect example:

A little back-story-I don’t help Ashley pull up her panties. She knows this. I know this. Dan knows this. It was a big ordeal once, where she suddenly decided she couldn’t pull up her own panties and she couldn’t put them on by herself. This short phase of under-estimating her abilities was very random and unexpected seeing as how she has been potty-trained since last fall and she has a very independent nature. The phase lasted about a week until we finally put our foot down and said we were done helping her with panties. She was a big girl and she could do it herself. She understood this and it was done.

A week later, she was about to get into her bathing suit, a two-piece tankini. Without even attempting to put her bottoms on, she said, “Help me Mommy.” I told her I don’t help her with those anymore. We went back and forth a couple times. She kept saying, “You always help me with this.” I said we already had a big talk about this and I won’t help you put them on. Her face had a look of true hurt and confusion and real tears were streaming down her face. All I could think was, “What is wrong with this kid that she is doing a complete turn-around?” She had been doing her own panties since we had our commencement of panty-helping the week before! I thought about it for a moment, trying to understand why she was so hurt. Then I saw it. I was seeing her bathing suit bottoms as panties and she was seeing them as her bathing suit bottoms. I have always helped her get into her bathing suit! Since the top is tighter and trickier than a normal T-shirt, I would help with the top and then that just led naturally into helping with the bottoms. I felt so bad when I realized our miscommunication.

We are working really hard with Ashley on being kind, patient and calm. I never knew kids from the same family could be soooo different. Parenting two completely different children can be exhausting and I would never fully understand this if it hadn’t happened to me. Ashley can be a bully. She can be mean. She can give you attitude. On the flip-side, she can be the sweetest, most loving and thoughtful kid around. It’s a daily struggle, but over the last few weeks, I have noticed a slight change. I hope something we are doing is paying off and will pay off eventually. So if you ever see Ashley freaking out, or being mean, or being impatient, we are truly trying. And if it appears we are not trying, it’s probably because we have to choose our battles with her and/or we could just be completely maxed out for the day.

For all the challenges we face with Ashley,  they pale in comparison to her excitement for life, and sweet surprises we are gifted from her every day. She is always surprising us in the best of ways and reminding us to be silly and not take things so seriously.

RANDOM RE-CAPS

My sweet Molly has finished Kindergarten. It was a busy year. She has grown by leaps and bounds. I know most parents are really proud of their kids when they do well in school or excel academically, which she definitely did the entire year, but what we are most proud of is the good friend that she is to people. She is a natural helper and friend to those who may need extra attention. I think she gets it from her dad. She definitely inherited the good from him and got her perfectionist tendencies from me. So sorry Molly. My favorite part of kindergarten is how well she learned to read. It was like magic. She went in knowing three letter words and now she reads entire books to the family. Those kinder teachers are magical.

This summer has been super busy and fun so far. We’ve been doing fun activities almost every day. Science center, Capitol Museum, bowling, splash pads..etc. We celebrated our 9^th anniversary by going to the Mesa Temple and Rainforest Café with the girls. We made a big, fat cake for our family’s birthday and watched our wedding slide show and movie. Molly and Ashley have become best friends again, amidst the daily fights of course.

We started our summer story-writing club for Molly and some friends.  She loves to write stories and I wanted her to be able to share her love with friends this summer. The first class was a hit I think. Molly is also doing a science club at a friend’s house, which she really enjoyed.

In May, the director of the Department of Child Safety sent an email out to the foster care community. From the content of it, I could tell my group of women and our recommendations had an impact on him. My heart almost beat out of my chest as I read the e-mail from him. He had asked me to form a small group of foster mothers to discuss recommendations to better the system. We presented to him a few months ago and it went incredibly well. My group of women was inspired and I couldn’t have been happier with the outcome. I feel so grateful we have such a good director to facilitate real, positive change for foster care in AZ. It still breaks my heart to know there are still so many kids that need homes, but right now my way of helping will be in the advocating for system improvements.

Summer is here and we are excited! Dan’s schedule is so much more open now that he is only teaching summer school. He’s already gotten a few Honey-Do projects done, and we are becoming impatient for baby to come. It just feels like a waiting game. With the first, you feel like you have so much to get ready for. With the 2^nd, I was very project-oriented and felt I needed the time to get them all done. With the third, we realize we barely need anything for a baby besides diapers and soap, and most of our home projects are done. Also, when one day you have two kids and the next day you have four, (our time fostering two young boys for 2 months) you realize real quick it’s not a huge deal to go from 2 to 3 with a 9 month waiting period! Of course, I’m sure it will take adjusting and a lot of bouts of crying, probably mostly from me, but life goes on and you adjust! It just doesn’t seem as scary, but maybe I will eat my words in 4 months and wish I wasn’t so confident! I will admit, I am naïve, but I also have hope!

Dan is rockin’ it as a dad still. These girls of ours are addicted to him. I just don’t understand how he is always so friendly and thoughtful towards me. I feel like I’ve turned into an old, cranky housewife 80% of the time, and he’s just as fresh, goofy and loveable as ever. It’s almost annoying. Almost as annoying as him losing weight every time I get pregnant. Rude. He will be department chair for the Special Education program at his school he teaches at, and has also decided to switch the class he teaches. This was after much careful thought and prayer. He’s been with his kids forever and loves them dearly, but for some reason, he felt this next year should be different.

I am trying my best to be a good mom. I am always working on patience. It is my nemesis. For some reason since I was a kid I always wanted to rush things. I wanted to grow up fast, be an adult. Finish college really fast, get through tasks fast and move on….the story of my life is trying to slow down, enjoy moments and not rush people all the time. I am also working hard at eliminating stuff in our house. Those who know me well know that I can’t stand stuff. It’s a never-ending battle, and I dream of being a minimalist, but it seems impossible with kids. One day I will get there.

 

WISHY WASHY LESSONS LEARNED/UNSOLICITED PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

I have so much more to learn about being a better wife and mom and learning how to balance everything I want to do and have to do, but here’s what I’ve learned about being maxed out: Dan was doing his Master’s, while working two jobs which meant we rarely saw him. Most of the time I felt like a single parent. We’d go pick him up from work at night, with the girls in their pjs, ready to fall asleep on the ride home. At the same time I was full-time lobbying for a bill, while also doing my mothering thing and with only one car between us. It was the hardest time in my life, but it definitely has made me a stronger woman and prepped me for tackling jobs I may initially think would be challenging. I am in no way tooting my own horn. But I am expressing my belief that the hard stuff is the good stuff. Maybe not so much at the time, but none of the easy things in my life have made me better at something-only the hard things. So I’m learning to try to suck it up when times are tough, or when I think I can’t handle one more ounce of “Suckinesss,” I try to just roll with it and not complain too much.